When You Feel Like You Have To Fix It All...NOW

Overwhelmed. Tired. Sinking. 

These are the feelings that creep in and make us feel like we're failing at it all.

#FailingAtLife

It usually starts with one small task or responsibility being put to the back

burner...and then...well, it's like a domino effect.

Life feels as though it's unraveling. You start to panic.

You think: I gotta get it together, and NOW! 

Right. Flippin. Now.

Sound familiar?

Maybe not? Perhaps you're super-awesome, responsible, perfect, and always stay on top of things.
If this is you, please give me your tips!

But if you're like me, and often find yourself scrambling, trying to get it together, then please read on... I have some insight 💗

Here is a little (true) story to illustrate...

Life is smooth sailing for a week or two, I feel that I'm juggling well.
Then BAM!  I get the smack down!  Maybe I get behind on the laundry.
Or, I'm busy working, and we don't do school for a few days (or weeks).
Or perhaps it's something as simple as one small change in our routine.

Doesn't matter...it just takes one thing not going right, and I get the overwhelming feeling that life is off balance. I start to dwell on it...

What happens next...
Is sheer, raw, anxiety.

I realize that things have gotten away from me. My head starts spinning. My mind and emotions take turns beating me up, reminding me that I need to get a grip on it, like NOW.  I vow that I'm going to get things in order!!! I start with the original chaos (or procrastination) that threw everything out of whack, only to realize that EVERYTHING needs tweaking.

EVERYTHING seems to have fallen apart. The system was never right to start with I tell myself. Why wasn't I already worried? Why did I ever think I had a grip on life?

I need a new plan-- for EVERYTHING--one that will actually work. And I need it... NOW. 

It's the only way I will have relief, I tell myself.

So...I get out my nifty little planner and notebooks that I love, and I start list-ing. I write down everything that is stupid and causing me to be a failure in life. (AKA, EVERYTHING! 😁)
It goes something like this:

• First, I write out what I need to catch up on (original issue).
• Then, I jot down my finances, and my debts, the money I owe my parents from 10 years ago-- all of it. I sit in awe of how stupid I was, thinking I was a responsible human being. pshhhttttt.  As-if.  😕
• Then, I move on to my kids. Oh no-- we're not on grade level in all subjects! They don't keep their rooms clean!!! They fight all the time!!! They watch too much TV! They throw clean clothes in the laundry hamper!!!!  😒 How will they ever grow up to be productive, responsible, nice people with manners and common decency when they have a failure like me as a mother!?!?!?!?!?!?!?  😓 Gaw, how and why do you suck so bad, Laurel?!
• Better fix it... time to find new books for school! And maybe, they would benefit from MORE activities-- which cost MORE money-- Hey, I'll just add all this to the finance sheet, that has an already negative balance... I gotta fix it.    Loser. 😒
• Hmmmm...what else am I failing at?
• Let me just pencil in some time to get the house in order. It's a disaster. People need to help out. The husband and kids need a schedule. Let me schedule their time, and give them all some doable tasks. I list it all out.  

I continue on, "list-ing" as I call it. Wasting hours, beating myself up... and trying to figure out how I'm going to fix my life. My life that isn't falling apart nearly as bad as I'm telling myself it is.

Once it's all on paper, I do feel a little better. Until I get to work on it, and  realize that there's no way I can accomplish all the things. Not right now. Not this year! I have once again set the bar too high for myself.

Instead of creating a short list of doable tasks, I ensure my failure by setting unrealistic expectations of my myself, and my family.

It only fuels fear.
The devil laughs hysterically at me.
I'm exactly where he wants me.

There was actually only one problem. One task I needed to catch up on. But that one thing, turns into a weapon that I (and Satan the master trickster jerk face) use against me.

The anxiety paralyzes me. I feel unequipped to handle my life.
Before I know it...

• I'm lashing out at my husband and my kids.
• I feel torn on how to move forward.
• I start believing I'm a failure and it's all too far gone for me to fix anytime soon.
• The feeling of doom multiplies and leaves me feeling lost, unworthy, and angry..sometimes for days.

This is Satan. He tries to make me believe that my problems are HUGE, and that I'm all alone in the battle.
But that's a lie.
And furthermore...
I don't have to fix it all today.
Dwelling on a problem, will only lead to my problems multiplying... and before I know it, I'm a grouchy, frustrated, resentful mess that is not grateful for my life, or my blessings...but instead feels as though life is just a task that I have to get through.
I don't want to feel that way.
I want to actually live my life.
Being happy and grateful.
Seeing the mistakes, but also the opportunity for growth.
Realizing that there is beauty in failure.
There are lessons in the chaos.

I have to remind myself...

• Talk to Jesus about it.
• Do NOT dwell on problems. 
• Life is a process, and we are meant to learn & grow, not fix it. 
• Everyone's lives look different.
• Success is hard to measure...especially in the midst of raising babies, and juggling multiple roles
• You're trying, or you wouldn't be worried about being a "failure."
• Lay it down, and leave the rest to God.

It's really that simple. I'm notorious for complicating things. I tend to think deep into everything, and I am always striving to get to the "root" of everything in life, whether good or bad.
There's nothing wrong with that, as long as I don't allow it to cause the very thing I'm trying to avoid. There is also nothing wrong with planning or jotting down things that I would like to change either...but I have to remember to not get carried away.

The older I get, the more I realize that life is one big huge contradiction, a balancing act. You have to find the middle ground... over and over again. 
Fear is the enemy

A deity
Its real
Living

With too much fear I become paralyzed
Unable to move forward

Yet in the absence of fear
I fall down into the pits of illusion

Abandoning accountability
Losing control

But Control is a lie
There are too many variables

I cannot control how I will feel in a moment

I cannot plan my emotions

Without a plan
I might be reckless

The gambles of life challenge me to find the balance
of contradiction

-Laurel Israel

Are you like me? Do you feel like you need to fix everything, now... How do you find the balnace?