Finding Happiness

Tree.... falling on us... just like life. #EmbraceTheChaos

While I was driving home yesterday, I was praying in my head...thanking God for my blessings, and praying for strength--and I realized, that I am happy. 

Truly happy.

Although happiness is fleeting for me lately...it's more real than ever. Do you know what I mean? For years, I was only happy on the surface. I would tell myself I was happy, and I'm a positive person, but I didn't feel it deep down. I felt stuck, trapped. Like I was moving forward, putting one foot in front of the other, but nothing ever changed. I was going nowhere. 

Now, my life has dramatically changed in the course of three months. It isn't a lot of people's version of "normal." It's not what my normal used to be either...but I've never been one to fit in a box.  There are days when I'm sad. When I feel like a failure. When I lock myself in the bathroom and cry. But there are also days when I'm beaming with happiness that no one can shatter. I now see the beauty through all of the pain, and I realize that the pain, is what brought me here, to my version of normal, and real, raw, true happiness. 

And I'm grateful. 

I'm grateful for the hard lessons I had to learn. The obstacles, the pain, the heartache, and the failures. 

Without the bad, this new version of life and happiness, wouldn't be so meaningful. 

I  have so many great people in my life. You always hear how a support system is so important, but for years, I didn't have one. I didn't allow myself to have one. I gave it up, to pursue fake happy, and fake strength.  I thought I was doing the right thing... it was the path that was chosen for me, and I could make it work. But I was wrong. My first mistake, was allowing someone else to choose my path for me.

Do you ever fall into something, and you know it's wrong? The signs are there, the gut feeling-- but you ignore it. Maybe it's because you want it to be right...or maybe it's because you don't want to hurt someone...or maybe it's because you don't know what else is waiting for you, so you'll just take a chance, but you know, without a doubt, that it's wrong?  And even though you know it, you feel helpless to change it. 

I was there...for so many years. And I don't regret it..not at all. Even though, I was stuck, and falling further and further down the rabbit hole of illusion, I learned so many valuable lessons.  

And although life didn't end up how I thought it would, God has delivered me, and showed me the way.  I was set free. Not by my own doing. I wasn't strong enough to give up. It's not that I don't love myself..or that I'm weak-- it's that I couldn't let go of the illusion....I'm not good at giving up on people.  

Nevertheless, it ended, leaving a big gaping hole in my heart that I wasn't sure could heal. But it did. All that is left, is a beautiful scar. It tells a story. My story. My heart may have once been broken, my soul felt exhausted, burnt out... dim, but now, it's all healed. I can see the path before me in a new light, and let the past go. 

Now, as I sit in my cozy little bedroom, of my double wide trailer, with orange 70's carpet and panel walls,  that is surrounded by stinky chicken houses, out in the boonies of what is called the "lower end," I'm happy. Truly, distinctively, happy. 

Things are different. 

I could choose to see the bad...

I don't have a husband anymore. I work my butt off as a waitress. I'm no longer a stay-at-home mom. I don't have a nice house in a nice neighborhood. I don't have a lot of "stuff" that I used to have...I have lost a few luxuries. I've lost friends. And I have lost people that were family to me... I'm tired, and weary, and some days overwhelmed...

but I choose to see the truth...

I have gained peace, and true happiness. 

Life is so funny. Sometimes, the very thing we're holding onto, is what's killing us. You can't change people. Stuff doesn't equal happiness. 

Life has been leading me here, to this place, for a long time. I'm no longer in Limbo. Stuck in the in-between. I spent a long time there... so long. Feeling like I would never get to the other side, but I have finally made it. I won't lie and tell you I'm always happy. I won't say that there aren't things that I miss. 

But I will tell you that God's timing is perfect in all ways. Control is just an illusion. Normal is overrated. And true happiness, will find you when you least expect it. 

I am embracing my new life. Some days, I feel like it's a mess. I feel guilty that I'm not home with my kids, and I wonder what the future holds. There are days when I'm lonely, and times when I don't know what my next move should be. Sometimes, I isolate myself and push everyone away in order to unravel myself. But I've leveled up. I'm climbing, I'm fighting... I'm running-- this girl is on fire. My soul has been awakened. My purpose made more clear, and I don't plan to ever go back to where I was. There is nothing there for me anymore. 

It wasn't a waste though. It taught me so much more than I could have ever hoped to learn about life, and love. It was a long, hard, well-worth-it lesson. 

And now, I can bask in the glow of true, earned happiness.