The Journey: Who Knew?

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,

And sorry I could not travel both

And be one traveler, long I stood

And looked down one as far as I could

To where it bent in the undergrowth

Robert Frost "The Road Less Travelled"

I remember my 29th birthday.  The beginning of my last year in my twenties.  I wanted to make it count.  Do all the things I hadn't yet been able to do.
To be honest, I was feeling a bit rebellious.  28 had been a year of constant ups and downs and fear and depression.  I was running away from everyone and everything.  I felt lost... I was lost. 
29 had to be better I told myself.  I'd get around to being the person I wanted to be.

The night of my birthday, I took myself out to eat, and went shopping alone.  I bought an MTV crop top tank, that had daisies on it.  I love daisies, can you tell?

Any ole ways...
I felt that the shirt repped the days of my youth, and so, I bought it.  I looked around some other stores and walked around a bit longer until I decided the mall was as lame as me, and left.😏 
I went out to my car.  I put the shirt on immediately,  and drove myself home.  Everyone was asleep when I got there, so I fired up the laptop and consumed a bottle of wine  (whine too) while I wrote.

I beat myself up a bit.  Wallowed in my sorrows,  thinking about what a loser I was. All the accomplishments that I had yet to accomplish. All the missed days of my youth that I happily gave up, to be my children's mama, and my husband's wife. 
I cried.  I ugly cried.  I cried til I started choking on my own snot.
And then I prayed myself to sleep.
I wasn't ready for it to be my last year in my twenties... but it was time.
Ready or not, the beginning of the end of another decade had arrived.

So much has changed since that night, when I turned 29.

I learned a lot that year. About life. Real life. 
The stuff that matters.  Not the materialistic stuff...not the things I'd missed out on... but instead, the simple stuff.  The meaningful stuff.
The good stuff.
I finally accepted who I was, and realized what I was made of. 
I started to love myself. Respect myself. I started to expect more of myself.
I guess you could say I grew up.  My desires changed.  My will. Everything really.  I became who I had always been, but in real, raw form.
And it didn't stop there... it keeps on.  29 was just the beginning of this journey.

30 has been even better.  More raw. Even more enlightening.

My 30th birthday was much different from my 29th. My husband took me out to Olive Garden, and we saw a movie. I had no desire to down a bottle of wine...or buy a shirt that proved I was still young.
I enjoyed being present. I wanted to be sober.  
I was no longer pushing people away, or running away from life. I was embracing it.  Soaking it up. 
My glass no longer half empty, but half full, and a lot of days-- it's overflowing. 

I want to make my life count.  I find my voice a little more, every day... I have become outspoken (to a fault). I no longer care what people think of me.  I don't pretend to be someone I'm not to save face, or keep the peace, yet in ways-- I'm softer. I'm more understanding. I judge less.

I feel better, than I have in my entire adult life.
I'm thankful to be alive.

I'm so thankful for the lessons the last journey taught me. My 20's were important. They prepared me for what was to come.  Taught me what I didn't know I knew. Molded me. Broke me.

I wouldn't go back and change any of it, even if I could.

For a long time, my mind was locked-- but somewhere-- between 29 and 30, I found the key. 

Who knew 29 would be so enlightening? Who knew 30 would be so great and feel so good?

Any age can be enlightening. 29 just so happened to be my year. 

If I could give you some advice, it would be to absorb and engulf yourself in the little moments...keep learning and seeing the meaning behind your lessons, and never stop growing.
Peace ♡

-L

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, It's about learning to dance in the rain."