As 2016 drew to an end, I was overwhelmed with the lessons this year has taught me. Raw, in-my-face kinda lessons. Beautiful and enlightening experiences that didn't start out that way, but blossomed me into this place and person I am now.
In 2014, my life got pretty shook up, by just, stuff. I don't want to go into detail, but lets just say, it was a shitty year for me. And to be honest, before then, I was alive and my heart was beating, and I was going thru the motions-- but I didn't know who I was--I didn't have much of an identity. I was easily swayed and persuaded. I went along with things the way they were, and I wasn't happy, but I didn't know what to do to fix it, nor did I know how to cope with the feelings that the lack of control I had in my life brought.
Things happened though, things that had been building and leading me up to that very point for years. Life finally barfed in my face, and forced me to accept hard-to-swallow truths that I had refused to acknowledge, for years.
It broke my heart and my spirit...I felt like I couldn't go back to what I was, but I didn't know how to move forward either.
Minutes turned into hours that ticked on into days that turned into weeks and months, and eventually, I started to see the lessons and realize that I could move forward from it. I started researching and learning all I could. I started putting my faith in the Lord, and seeking out the answers I needed in His word. I prayed for Him to show me what I needed to see, and showed me He did. It wasn't what I wanted to see, but it was what I needed to see. Not only did Jesus help me to see it and deal with it, He opened my mind up in ways it had never been before. I started to learn how to change my way of thinking.
2015 came and went, and I honestly don't remember a lot about it. I was still waking up. My eyes were still being opened, and I was fighting it. There are tons of pictures throughout that year, and we all look happy in them, but the truth is, that I was pretty checked out for a lot of it. I was on a journey, within myself.
In solitude, by choice.
Eventually I started peeling away the layers of anger and resentment, and I realized that I was the one that had been holding myself back. That I was responsible for the pain I had been putting myself through, and I had the power to change it all.
2016 came in with a bang of all these self-realizations and a girl that had finally adopted a woman's mindset and standards. I prayed harder and longer. I read my Bible more. I cried and screamed. I sought out new music. I stood in the rain. I read more articles and blogs and books than ever. I did cartwheels in the grass. I went for more walks, and got in touch with my creative side. I wrote songs. I drew an inspiring mural on my dining room wall of a bird flying free. I adopted the quote "She flies by her own wings." I built a (tiny) bonfire in the middle of the day, and burned stuff that I needed to let go of. I played with my kids more. I laughed more. I reached out to family and tried to build the support system I'd been needing.
Sometimes, I'm still angry, I'm still mixed-up, but I'm making progress. I finally accept and love myself enough to give myself grace, but I also see that God isn't finished with me yet, and I understand the beauty in the hard lessons I have been facing off with.
And I know, that I never want it to stop. I won't back down.
I'm happy to be alive. Excited for what life will teach me next. Every day, every emotion, each and every minute on Earth, is a lesson, and an opportunity to see and learn, and grow. I don't want to miss it, because if we miss the lessons, we can't move onto our next one. We can't grow.
The past 2.5 years have seen my lowest lows and my highest highs. Hitting rock bottom was just the beginning.
I'm excited to go into this new year knowing who I am, but also knowing that it will change dramatically over the next 365 days. I'm thankful most of all, to God Almighty for showing me things that I needed to see, and for showing me such grace while opening my eyes... for enhancing my strengths and helping me to see my weaknesses. Most of all, for showing me how to take the good and the bad, and use it to fuel the desire to be more, to be better, to be who I want to see in the world, and maybe even help someone else along the way.
Lets do this 2017 thang... I'm ready and willing, and I'm just gonna be me, but who knows who that might be? It's a slippery slope, but the sky's the limit, and I'm ready to push myself like I never have before.
I hope that you are too and in this new year, you're blessed with the gift of self-enlightenment and growth. Tune into your self-awareness.
God Bless and May the force be with you ;)
Happy New Year!
Excellent advice!
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