I've had my blog up for nearly 2 years now... I don't post to it regularly, but all that's about to change. I have countless blogs, saved as drafts. I don't publish them because they're taboo topics...I don't get totally real with my audience, and let people in on who really am.
Mostly because I have four kids that are my whole world and I don't want to be judged as a mother. But that's not all I am. If you are a perfect mom or person, who has never made a bad choice, who does things by the book, that doesn't have a sketchy past, then that's great. I'm happy for you. As for me though, I'm a mess. I'm all over the place. I screw up all the time, but I strive hard. I fall hard, but I always get back up and most of the time, I try harder. Other times, I stay stuck for a while, until something snaps me out of it. I'm not everyone's cup of tea, but I've been trying to be for a long time. Now though, I'm on a mission....to find my tribe. People who think and feel like me. People who don't, but are open minded enough to have a deep conversation. I'm looking for the free spirits...the hippies....the dreamers....the doers. The broken and beautifully flawed people. I'm looking for you.
Allow me to introduce myself....
My name is Laurel and I'm 30 years old. I have 4 kids. I have a husband. I have a dog and 2 cats. I live in a brick house, in a little neighborhood, and drive a Ford truck. I have parents and one brother, and 2 step-sisters. I have been married for 13 years. I'm from Arkansas, but I live in Texas now. My poop stinks and my pee is yellow-ish. I don't know what my natural hair color is, but I'm trying hard to figure out.
I smoke cigarettes. I cuss. I love Jesus and feel guilty for the bad stuff I do. I feel ashamed about it...and pretend it's not who I am. I keep to myself mostly...I live on the inside. I've made it nice and comfy there. I feel safer that way. I'm good at caring for others. I like studying psychology and how our minds work. I like being enlightened. I feel bad for criminals and bad people. My feelings often contradict. I'm super good at making excuses, that make sense. I like a cold beer every now and then. I think marijuana should be legalized both medically and recreationally, everywhere....I'm a fan.
I don't like the government, but I love my country. I think vaccinations weaken the immune system, and cause long term illnesses and auto-immune diseases that come up later in life. I think the key to health is the mind, a healthy diet, and sanitation.
I homeschool my kids because I think public school is a waste of time, self-esteem, brilliance, and growing up. I don't like the little boxes they put our children in and I think all kids are gifted and talented if we only took the time to see and foster their strengths.
There is more to me than just the surface. There is a lot more than I share. I keep who I really am, and what I really think and feel, to myself, for fear of someone judging me or disagreeing and telling me what a horrible, mixed-up person I am. I don't care anymore though, not enough to not speak what's on my mind.
From here on out, I'm going to be open and real. If God gave me this desire and gift to write, He meant for me to use it. He means for me to share my voice, share my flaws, my struggles....not just me-- on the surface.
I can't reach out to anyone, be relatable, or have a voice if I only paint a picture and write about crafts and funny mom moments. If I only share the shallow, watered down version of myself, no one will ever know the chaos and brilliance going on in my mind.
So this is me. Take it or leave it. Judge me. Relate to me. Whatever you do, just do it and be you...because from here on out, I'm just gonna be me.
I hope to get to know you better, if you're reading this and nodding your head. Even if you're nodding in disgust...I want to know you too. Maybe you can let me in on how you're so perfect, or maybe you need to know how far off I am, to make you see you're not so bad.
Either way is okay. We're all just trying to make it.
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