My little apples. Apples of my eye...the fruit that I brought forth into this world, I worry about you all the time. Do you know that?
I worry if I'm doing a good job. I don't believe there are bad kids. Not a one. I think children's circumstances blossom them into who they are... and I wonder if I'm helping you blossom the best way that I can.
I'm not the best example sometimes. I make a lot of mistakes. I always realize it after the fact. You came with no rules, and I became a mama when I was young. I always dreamt of you though, did you know that? When I was a little girl and dreamed of being a grown up(whatever that is), I wanted to be a mama...everyone who knew me, knew that.
I loved you before I met you. I love each of you so much, and I will never ever stop. I'll never stop being here for you no matter how big you grow. I'll never stop worrying about you, I'll never stop being your mom. I'll always be here, no matter what you've done wrong. I'll claim you every time.
I will never turn my back on you, or move on to a new passion. You will always be my first priority, even once you're grown. If you try to cut me out of your life, it will never work--so save us both hurt and frustration and never try. If you move far away, I'll visit all the time. If you decide to be the complete opposite of me and think I'm the worst mom ever, or maybe kookiest...that's okay, I'll still be there. I will never leave you, I will never stop re-learning you. I will never stop trying trying to figure out how I can be better for you tomorrow than I was today. I will keep striving to be a better mom, always. There are times when I don't have it together....when I'm not sure if I'm making the right choices for
you. You're all still young, but as you grow, I have to give in more and more and back off. I have to allow you to be the free spirits that you are. Being a free spirit myself, I know that holding you back will do nothing but feed the rebel inside you.
It's hard though my babies who aren't really babies anymore. You're growing up on me too fast.
Big girls, It's hard because I want to protect you. I want to shelter you from this crazy world. I want to fight your battles so you don't have to. I long to never see you hurt or damaged. I hate seeing you let down or sad. But that isn't how life is. Life is living, life is finding the answers to your questions. Life is all about learning to navigate through the calm and the storm--and being able to recognize the calm before the storm.
Sometimes the pain makes the happiness even sweeter. Dumb choices help you to recognize how to
make good ones. Life is living, learning, and growing--but I'm always here if you need help navigating the waters, and there's a good chance that I've been there before-- don't ever think you're alone or that I'll judge you. I'm always here my beautiful girls, always.
It's hard my only son, to watch you need me less. To see that it won't be long before I'm not your favorite. You'll always be my favorite little boy--and I'll always kiss your dimples, no matter how big you are or how much you hate it...and I hope that you'll always kiss each of my cheeks and my forehead, because I love it so much. Never forget to open doors for girls and use your manners. I'm proud of you son, never forget that. At seven years old, you're a true gentleman. I know it's rough being the only boy besides Dad, but it will help you in the long run...you already have a good idea of how girls work and what sets them off. You're a smart, good boy. I'm always here if you need reassurance of that.It's hard my little Bean, to know that you are my last baby and to see you turning into a big girl. I soak up every sweet baby giggle, and tickle every piece of sweet baby fat that I can..you're nearly three now and soon, you will be big like sisters and brother--that makes me sad. You're growing so fast! I'm happy you're healthy and smart and so so beautiful, but I wish you could slow down a little. It's hard on mama. You get the best me of them all probably. I've learned through your siblings how to do things better, teach you more, be more patient. I've figured things out a bit--
Just know that I want the very best for each of you. I'm sorry for every time I mess up. I'm sorry when I lose my temper. I'm sorry when I don't quite know how to be an effective parent--I'm sorry for any way I may have screwed you up...although I really don't think I could if I tried. Y'all are too good, all on your own. You are beautiful and you're good; don't ever let anyone tell you different.
Each of you are good fruit. The Bible says "Therefore shall they eat of the fruit of their own way, and be filled with their own devices." And it also says, "A good tree cannot bring forth evil fruit, neither can a corrupt tree bring forth good fruit. I don't know if I'm a good tree or not, I try to be. All I know is that the fruit that this mama tree brought into the world, they are good fruits. I try hard to fill you with good devices...good thoughts, good lessons, goodness. I know that each of you will prosper and grow and find your way. At 12,9,7, and 2--you have lots to learn. But it won't take long my babies. Before you know it, you'll be on your own, trying to figure it all out. Just know that I'm always here for you. I will never stop caring-- I will never stop being a part of your life. I will never stop.
Always know that I love you. I thank God for you every day. Sometimes I wonder how he saw me fit to be your Mom. I wonder how I'm doing....I ask him to guide me in guiding you. To help me lead you to the paths that lead to Him. I can't wait to see what's in store for you. You guys are growing up on me and it's happening so fast. You are learning new things, seeing new places, all through your own big starry eyes. I love looking into each of your eyes and thinking about what you see. I love holding you in my lap, I love hugging you and smelling the tops of your heads, breathing you in.
Each of you are my favorites. My goal. My purpose. You are the apples of my eye.
And I love you so much and I'm so proud of you. Don't ever forget.
With so much love it hurts,
Mama
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