Dear Daughter,
I've been meaning to write you this letter for quite some time. I just hadn't really been pushed to do it until now.
As we both know, life has been crazy. Throwing us curves left and right. I veered off the path on several of them....and you and your sisters and brother paid the price for it and I'm sorry for that. I have screwed up a lot. Made some bad choices. I'm not always "available" or present like I should be. I'm here, I'm just not here...it's a mom thing, you'll understand some day.
There are things I want to say to you, but I don't know how to get them out. And some of them are things you wouldn't quite be able to wrap your head around yet anyways. I guess I'll just start like this:
I'm still growing up. I'm still experiencing all my firsts as a mom with you--My oldest, beautiful daughter.... my little guinea pig. I'm still learning.
It's scary sometimes--well, who am I kidding--It's scary all the time. I'm always obsessing over everything. Who you are...how you're going to turn out...if you're growing enough....if I'm giving you enough, if I'm giving you too much... was I like this at your age? Are you eating enough vegetables, why don't you like cheese..... should I punish you or be there for you when you sass me... Do I make you do enough chores...will you have good work ethic? Am I letting you learn from your mistakes.... Am I allowing you to be you? Will you ever learn those damn multiplication facts?! Am I pushing you too hard?
You're the age I was when I met your dad....and fell in little kid love. Am I guiding you properly? What about all the times I'm checked out....what if you stop wanting to tell me everything and explain it all in great detail because you think I don't want to hear about it, because that's how I act sometimes....tell me anyways daughter. I care. I care so much-- I want to hear all about it. I love listening to you talk. I love your laugh most of all. I love you so much.
I'm sorry you get screw-doodled sometimes baby. As in, your time, toys, clothes, lessons, and attention taken away. I never imagined I'd have four kids, I didn't have younger siblings.... I didn't really know what it would be like--being a mommy. I just knew I'd be good at it....I knew I'd get it. I knew I wanted it....more than I'd ever wanted anything and I knew I wanted to be the best at it... I wanted you so much. I was only seventeen. The curves had veered me off the path a lot as a teenager, but the path, my beautiful angel, led straight to you. Although it is my job to protect and nurture and love you....you also did that for me. From the moment I found out you were growing inside of me, you saved me. You made me better. You made me want to take care of myself so I could take the very best care of you. I grew up over night and it wasn't a bit hard for me to give any of it up, because you were the prize. But I'm still learning. Over the past twelve years, we've been growing up together. I know I'm wrong sometimes, I know I let you down at times---I hate it. I never want to let you down...ever.
But you are special, my little guinea pig. Although I have to learn things with you, that perhaps I already know by the time your younger siblings are older, it's a beautiful and special thing. We get to experience lots of firsts together. It makes for a special bond. A unique learning experience. I love you so much sweetheart. As I watch you grow up, I am so proud of the girl I see. You have a good head on your shoulders. A beautiful face. A healthy body. And a smile that literally lights up a room. Most of all, you have a personality that is so loveable, so unique, so YOU. I love you girl. I love you so much. I hope that some day, when you read this.... you will understand and know that all those times you thought it was unfair, I wasn't trying to be....I was just learning, and experiencing all my firsts in motherhood with you. Thanks for growing up with me daughter. Soon enough, you will spread your wings and fly --lots of firsts await you. I can't wait to see what God has in store for you. Not a doubt in my mind that you'll handle it all with ease and shock the pants off us all.
Fly my beautiful girl, never be afraid to fly.... never let the fear of falling and failing, keep you from trying.
I love you always and forever- to the moon and back-times infinity,
Mommy
I've been meaning to write you this letter for quite some time. I just hadn't really been pushed to do it until now.
As we both know, life has been crazy. Throwing us curves left and right. I veered off the path on several of them....and you and your sisters and brother paid the price for it and I'm sorry for that. I have screwed up a lot. Made some bad choices. I'm not always "available" or present like I should be. I'm here, I'm just not here...it's a mom thing, you'll understand some day.
There are things I want to say to you, but I don't know how to get them out. And some of them are things you wouldn't quite be able to wrap your head around yet anyways. I guess I'll just start like this:
I'm still growing up. I'm still experiencing all my firsts as a mom with you--My oldest, beautiful daughter.... my little guinea pig. I'm still learning.
It's scary sometimes--well, who am I kidding--It's scary all the time. I'm always obsessing over everything. Who you are...how you're going to turn out...if you're growing enough....if I'm giving you enough, if I'm giving you too much... was I like this at your age? Are you eating enough vegetables, why don't you like cheese..... should I punish you or be there for you when you sass me... Do I make you do enough chores...will you have good work ethic? Am I letting you learn from your mistakes.... Am I allowing you to be you? Will you ever learn those damn multiplication facts?! Am I pushing you too hard?
You're the age I was when I met your dad....and fell in little kid love. Am I guiding you properly? What about all the times I'm checked out....what if you stop wanting to tell me everything and explain it all in great detail because you think I don't want to hear about it, because that's how I act sometimes....tell me anyways daughter. I care. I care so much-- I want to hear all about it. I love listening to you talk. I love your laugh most of all. I love you so much.
I'm sorry you get screw-doodled sometimes baby. As in, your time, toys, clothes, lessons, and attention taken away. I never imagined I'd have four kids, I didn't have younger siblings.... I didn't really know what it would be like--being a mommy. I just knew I'd be good at it....I knew I'd get it. I knew I wanted it....more than I'd ever wanted anything and I knew I wanted to be the best at it... I wanted you so much. I was only seventeen. The curves had veered me off the path a lot as a teenager, but the path, my beautiful angel, led straight to you. Although it is my job to protect and nurture and love you....you also did that for me. From the moment I found out you were growing inside of me, you saved me. You made me better. You made me want to take care of myself so I could take the very best care of you. I grew up over night and it wasn't a bit hard for me to give any of it up, because you were the prize. But I'm still learning. Over the past twelve years, we've been growing up together. I know I'm wrong sometimes, I know I let you down at times---I hate it. I never want to let you down...ever.
But you are special, my little guinea pig. Although I have to learn things with you, that perhaps I already know by the time your younger siblings are older, it's a beautiful and special thing. We get to experience lots of firsts together. It makes for a special bond. A unique learning experience. I love you so much sweetheart. As I watch you grow up, I am so proud of the girl I see. You have a good head on your shoulders. A beautiful face. A healthy body. And a smile that literally lights up a room. Most of all, you have a personality that is so loveable, so unique, so YOU. I love you girl. I love you so much. I hope that some day, when you read this.... you will understand and know that all those times you thought it was unfair, I wasn't trying to be....I was just learning, and experiencing all my firsts in motherhood with you. Thanks for growing up with me daughter. Soon enough, you will spread your wings and fly --lots of firsts await you. I can't wait to see what God has in store for you. Not a doubt in my mind that you'll handle it all with ease and shock the pants off us all. Fly my beautiful girl, never be afraid to fly.... never let the fear of falling and failing, keep you from trying.
I love you always and forever- to the moon and back-times infinity,
Mommy
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