Psalm 61:2 From the end of the earth will I cry unto thee, when my heart is overwhelmed: lead me to the rock that is higher than I.
This is more a love note to myself, because I'm often overwhelmed. But then, I get back on track.... hopefully, I'm not the only woman who has ever felt this way, who falls off the supermom wagon (all the time) and has to admit she's just one woman...Can you relate?
I love my kids. I love them so much. Sometimes, I happen to look up and see them. Really see them. See their innocent little free spirits. I love watching them enjoy something. I secretly watch them eat all the time...observing how they savor their food, the faces they make. Just zoning in on them watching their favorite cartoon is touching to me..... I love to watch them smile as they explore the world. I love being with them nearly all the time. I love seeing them learn and experiencing it with them. I admire their wonder about the possibilities and vastness of the world...
I love those moments when I see them, and I appreciate them. I'm so thankful for who they are and don't know how I ever lived without them. My being just swells with pride and I wonder how I got so lucky and thank God for the four little blessings that he saw me fit to mother.
But sometimes it's hard. Because some days, I start feeling unappreciated, overlooked. So for days and sometimes even weeks, I stop seeing them. I just go through the motions of directing, dictating, and guiding/bossing. Sometimes it seems as if I do everything, for everyone. It becomes so frustrating. I wake up in a bad mood with this cloud over my head. I have so much to do, and no one is going to do it for me. No one is going to help me get it done... I am left on my own to figure everything out. I have so much to do... homeschool, the mountain of laundry, figuring out how the heck I'm going to make the budget stretch this week... the dentist appointment that has to be scheduled, the errands that have to be ran...the poop on the floor because the toddler has something against pooping in the toilet, so if you don't give her a diaper, she'll squat and poo in the floor....all the dishes and cooking and endless cleaning. There's so much to do.
And I have to do it, or it won't get done. But I chose this life, and some days, I love it! And I do it well....but other days, it's so hard. Living and caring for myself seems a distant memory. My days are now filled with cleaning up after these ungrateful little heathens! And trying to pretend I'm not jealous when my husband tells me about all the socializing he's had and all the places he's been that day. I have to make a conscious effort to not snarl my lip in disgust and jealousy. To not be the psycho I want to be... I know it's not right, it isn't his fault. But I start getting bitter. I start resenting him, my children, myself, and my life. It starts swelling inside me and it grows and grows if I don't snuff it out. I will start thinking about how much I have to boss and nag at them---about everything. I didn't want to grow up and be a dictator! No! I didn't! Dictators are mean, nasty tyrants! Yet here I am! If it's going to get done, I'm going to have to be a Bossy Betty, a Nagging Nancy, a Dictating tyrant.
Seriously?!! Like, it's time already for them to have this simple stuff down. I have to remind the kids at least two or three times--everyday-- to brush their teeth. They never clean their room right the first time....or the second. Their dirty clothes are thrown half-in, half-out of the laundry room doorway. I've asked so many times....so many flippin' times! How hard is it to walk to the basket, and put the clothes in it? Do they really not ever think about the fact that if they don't get them there, someone else has to? I guess not.. afterall, they're only children and children must be taught.
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| Why can't it just be this easy? |
My husband is no better. His clothes don't make it to the hamper most of the time either. They lie in the bathroom floor, or in our bedroom floor until I pick them up. Occasionally, I'll become bitter about this and I'll let them pile up. We have a large bathroom with a double vanity. We each have our own sink. One day while cleaning the bathroom, I became so enraged that he had 3 days worth of laundry in the floor, that I vowed to not clean his side of the counter, or his mirror and sink... and to put the pile of dirty laundry--in his sink. I didn't go so far as to turn the water on or anything....although it did cross my mind! I mostly just wanted him to notice them...
And carry them away to the flippin' basket. Is that so much to ask? Why doesn't he just do it! All the time, without fail. That would be nice.
I become a mean, dictating, psycho wife. Withholding cleaning duties and resenting the man for days. Blaming him and the children for my unhappiness. My raw frustration all aimed at them, because I have too much to do and there's no end to it.
But that's just not right.
That's when mommy needs a break.
I love these people. They are my life. They are beautiful and wonderful and I love them so much. But so often in my journey of motherhood and being his wife, I lose my sense of identity. I stop doing the things that I enjoy because "I don't have time." But then, I end up resenting my family for it. I must stop this nonsense! Break the cycle!
Mommy burnout is real. Wife burnout. Burnout of all kinds! You must find balance! And seek God! And have a little faith!
I know how draining and exhausting it can be. It starts to feel like no one cares about you. You're there for everyone else, you do what you're supposed to, but no one even cares or notices! And no one is there for you..no one cares that you haven't had time to pluck your eyebrows in a month. :(
No one gives a crap, you start to think. No one notices the sacrifices you make for them. That's how it starts. And it gnaws and nags at you...until you explode in a fit of rage at the unjustice your family has shown you. The lack of consideration and give-a-crap they have for you is appalling. There is none. They don't care at all you think...
But they do. And they need you to be happy. If you're unhappy, you won't have a happy family. True story. Dad can be in a bad mood, a jerk, a real-all-out-unpleasant butthole...but things still keep going round and round...kids can have a bad attitude, throw fits, not do what they're asked, fail school, whatever...the household still runs somewhat smoothly. If mom is checked out though, resentful, sad, unfulfilled...everyone will notice, the whole family will be affected.
So stop living on the inside. Stop making excuses and stop feeling guilty if you can't do it all. Start taking time to see your family and yourself. To play, to not be too serious and official (no more tyrant). It doesn't matter if everything gets done. You're a grown up! See, something to be thankful for :) No one is dictating you the way you have been your husband & children!
Some day, there won't be so much to do.
Enjoy yourself, enjoy your family....take care of yourself, so you can take care of them....the two go hand-in-hand.
Make it happen. Stop feeling guilty...stop being afraid of putting yourself out there. Don't judge yourself so harshly. Show yourself grace... you aren't perfect. Allow yourself your identity, your family would never want you robbed of that. Don't take it from yourself. Find it again, embrace it, and be it.
Sometimes it's easier to blame your feelings on others than to do something about it.
It's time to gather up your dignity and the pride you once took in yourself, and march on...
March on to the beauty salon. March on to sign up for that photrography course you've been wanting to take. Buy that purse you've been wanting for weeks... volunteer, get a job, quit your job, go to the gym.. paint a mural, draw on the wall.... be creative. Inspire yourself. Be yourself. Don't think that you can't be "Mom" and yourself, that's a lie intended to rob you of your happiness... Stop believing it right now--Do it. Whatever it is.
Most importantly, pray. Usually, always actually, when I start to feel this way...it's because I haven't been talking to God, I have been trying to do it all on my own. And I just can't!
Don't ever doubt your importance to your family, you are important. They just don't think like you do. Women were gifted with specific tools to help us through motherhood. It's not an easy task, but Jesus is on your side. He will help you. He will get you through. Start off your day by praying and reading His word. The days I do, I'm so much more capable of handling whatever is thrown my way that day...and not only handling it, but actually being thankful, and I can see my beautiful family. Appreciate my husband, get it all done and still find time to be me. It's possible. Put all your faith in the Lord, and have a little in yourself....it will go a long way! I promise! We all burnout occasionally, we all fall off the wagon. Pick yourself up and try again...life is waiting for you.
Proverbs 31:25-28(KJV)
25 Strength and honour are her clothing; and she shall rejoice in time to come.
26 She openeth her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the law of kindness.
27 She looketh well to the ways of her household, and eateth not the bread of idleness.
28 Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her.
The harder you try, the more blessings you will start to see in your life, the more you will start to embrace and enjoy and strengthen yourself!
Love& Blessings!
Laurel
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