The day started out well enough. The kids and I woke up at our usual times and started our day in the usual way.
But I was feeling a little spontaneous today...
So, I got us all ready, threw some crap in a bag and said "Let's GO!"
First place we went was Chick-Fil-A. All was well there. They ate. They played. I sat and enjoyed no one needing me for fifteen whole minutes. It was really nice.
Next we went to Big Lots, since it was just across the road. Big Lots went pretty good too, but the baby did give the cue that she'd had enough shopping.
Stupid me. I did not heed her warning.
Instead, I buttered them up for my next big idea.
I stocked the big kids up on dollar goodies, the baby on snacks, and let them look at every clearance summer toy the store had, even bought a few... and we left!
Everyone's happy...they have their little bag of goodies and all is superb. Addie is obviously sleepy, but seems far from melt-down sleepy.
So I proceed with my plan.....
Once we're in the truck, I tell the kids that I need them to be really good at our next stop because mommy needs to get a few things for herself.
We only have one more stop--Wal Mart.
The most dreaded stop of all errand running.
I HATE WAL MART. WHY AM I EVEN ATTEMPTING THIS?
My brain was already screaming at me to Run! Run Home!
But I refused. I reasoned.
My ass is bulging out of my too small shorts that aren't even really shorts, they're jeans that I cut off for shorts two summers ago... I flippin deserve some Wal Mart clearance rack shorts. I will have some.
I knew that I needed to try them on. That's where the big problem was. I knew I was breaking an unspoken, unwritten mommy law. You do not take one kid to try on clothes for yourself. Let. alone. four.
Stupid me.
I talk to the kids a little more on our way, explaining that I need to look at the clothes and maybe try a few on, and that since mommy was nice and patient while they enjoyed browsing, they need to be patient and nice and mannerly while mommy checks out some clothes.
They seem to get it.
They're momentarily satisfied with their new treasures. They all nod happily at me...all except the goo girl. She was already giving me that look thru the rear view.
That toddler look...you know it. That I ain't cooperating with nothing you got goin' mom look.
Again, I do not heed her warning....stupid me.
We proceed to Wal Mart.
We get in the store about 1pm.
I head straight for the clothes section and the girls busy themselves finding me outfits while Chase is holding up a shirt and asking "Can you wear a 60/80 Mom? This looks like it will fit." The bean does her best to shimmy out of the buggy seat belt about fifteen times, all while being adorable and yelling "Hiiii!!!" at anyone who was in the near vicinity of us.
Chase moved on from trying to guess my shirt size to singing a made up tune about "Rocks and Glory, Rocks and Glory...that's all it's about...just rocks and glory." He sings it a lot lately.... Oh how I love that kid.
After about fifteen to twenty minutes of browsing, and keeping a continuous flow of goldfish crackers going into Addie's mouth, I had found several things I wanted to try on...thirteen to be exact.
We made our way to the fitting room.
They were all full. Duh...everyone is back to school shopping...why didn't you think of that?
Stupid me.
Of course I'd pick today to try on clothes, with my four kids in tow. I almost backed out at this point, but instead, we stood there and waited about ten minutes while I silently prayed in my head that whoever was in the handicapped fitting room would come out first, so that I wouldn't have to be crammed in a tiny one, half-naked, with my four children.
The tiniest of all the dressing rooms became available. In we go! All five us. In a three by three space. Yeah.
What the hell was I thinking? I mean, seriously?! What was going through my head at that moment when I looked at the little dressing room and thought I can make this work! I got this! I NEED these shorts.
I could have came back later, without kids. I could have left them at home with their dad that very evening and went to a place better than Wal Mart and enjoyed picking out some new things for myself.
But I didn't do that.
Stupid me.
We squeeze in. The bean immediately notices her escape route under the door. I pray some more.
Chase makes faces in the mirror...the girls argue over what I should try on first, and I just pray.
As I'm shimmying into a pair of white shorts with a super cute belt that are on clearance for $7, I mention to the girls that Addie has already seen the spot that she can escape from under the door...but that surely, with all of us crammed in this little space, we can all help watch and make sure that she doesn't make a run for it.
They don't really listen, they're too busy arguing over who picked out the shorts.
The shorts fit...they look good. Kylie says she thinks Daddy will like them. This must be because these actually fit me and my butt and look quite flattering rather than the seam giving me a back and front wedgie.
VICTORY....or shall I say calm before the storm?
I slip the shorts off and ask the girls what's next...Li Li hands me a dress.
By now, Addie was sitting on the floor, digging everything out of my purse. It's all good! It buys me time.
Time to try on the dress.
I'm pulling this awesome blue paisley dress over my head....that's marked down from 18 bucks to $5. I'm thinking about this awesome discount fact....so happy about it.
I'm hoping it fits and looks as good on me as it did on the hanger....and then I snap back to reality and realize the dressing room door is open, and Kylie is out the door, saying "Addie escaped! She escaped!"
The little fitting room lady is announcing like it's a baseball game "Oh no! She's on the loose! She's fast! She's around the rack! Oh look at her go! She's giving you a run for your money!"
Chase is still making his faces...oblivious to anything going on around him...I realize that not only is my baby on the loose, but my ass has been exposed for approximately 15 seconds to the people waiting for a dressing room, while I was having a nice thought about the dress that I still haven't managed to get over my head.....And my 11 and 8 year old daughters are chasing their 22 month old sister around the racks of clothes like it's a game of duck duck goose.
Welcome to the Circus, y'all! This is just how we roll!
The girls got Addie back after she made a few rounds... I put my clothes back on, gave the clothes to the little old lady announcer, got sugar, diapers, and some trash bags, the flippin' shorts that I tried on, and left the hell that is Wal Mart with my dignity in tact.
What was I supposed to do anyways...it was my own fault...I knew better than to break the rule.
Stupid me.
I wish I could just end this here. But I can't. Because there's more stupid me to come....
We headed home. Finally. The day hadn't really worked out how I'd planned...but that's okay. No biggie. Time to go home...HOME. Why did I even want to leave? We were all ready to go home. The kids were happy with their dollar toys, I got some shorts...so whoopee.
I opted to take a back road since there's road work all along the interstate.
Apparently, everyone else had the same bright idea that I did, and they were in no hurry to get anywhere. Sunday driving....on a Wednesday afternoon...seriously people....must you be SO SLOW.
I was forced to stay in this caravan for like 10 miles,
then finally the very last slow-mo pulled off, clearing the road for me.
I cranked it on up to 48... Heck Yes! 48! Cause I wanted to get home SO BAD, that it was worth me taking the risk of driving a whole 48 mph to get there quicker.
Stupid me.... that wasn't the speed limit.
No...no it wasn't. Just like it's an unspoken mom rule that you never take your kids clothes shopping for yourself. I knew better than that shit.
I broke the rules....and I got super embarrassed and kinda-sorta exposed naked in Wal Mart to a handful of people....and now,
now....
.
I was getting pulled over. For the forth time in my life...
I don't wanna get pulled over. I have my seat belt on...they have theirs on..they're in their seats, what the crap... what was the speed limit?!! Shit Shit Shit!!!!! I don't know i don't know...what was the speed limit!? Is this dude gonna be a jerk...oh I hope he's not a jerk....is my inspection sticker still good...SHIT. i think it is. I know it is. :( My day is going to total crap! Why did you go to Wal Mart Laurel....WHY? This cop wouldn't have been on this road if you'd have just came home earlier. UGHHH SHIT. STUPID ME.
The officer comes to my window. He glances in. He looks amused. He observes the kids. Observes all the crap....the grocery bags, sippie cups, left-over lunch bags...and then he looks at me.
And he gets super serious. He was JUST smiling. It seemed like maybe he saw the evidence and got it...he had kids..it wasn't like I was going super fast or anything. Surely it would all be fine.
But no. Stupid me.
Guess I was mistakin'
He isn't all warm and friendly...or the understanding type. He tells me he pulled me over because I was speeding...48 in a 30 zone. Where it had just slowed to 30 ya know.
Stupid me. I should be more observant.
He asks for my license which I hand him. Then my insurance which I'm already digging for. I explain it's my husband's truck and I'm not sure where he keeps it.
He says he will be back.
My head is starting to hurt... I feel all scatterbrained and hot.
Stupid me for thinking Nick keeps up with his f&%*$%! insurance card!!!
I'm starting to get all nervous. My hands are kinda shaky. I think that surely he can look it up. Surely in this day and time he can look it up. I keep digging...Kylie is asking a million questions. Li Li wants to know if I'm gonna go to jail if I don't find the thingy. Chase and Addie are fast asleep and drooling all over each other.
I'm defeated now! Being exposed naked in Wal Mart while my toddler rips and giggles thru the clothes racks and my two other daughters have to catch her to keep everyone from REALLY seeing what mom looks like naked did not defeat me.
But now, Deputy Power Trip, he's defeating me. With his icy demeanor and hot and cold attitude...It's the icing on the cake. Mom is goin down. Tears are threatening to fall....
Then, he's back at my window. So I suck it up.
He has a little clip board and has filled out a lot on the white piece of paper. He asks if I found my insurance information and I say no. He says nothing, just continues writing on his little pad. Finally, he tells me he needs my signature...he is writing me a citation for speeding.
He smiled at me then. Like he liked us again. He turned .and said "Have a great afternoon Mrs. Israel, and please slow it down." Then he tipped his hat and walked back to his car.
I broke the rules and thought I could get away with it.
Stupid me.
Not today, sweetheart...not today.
One for the Universe.
But I was feeling a little spontaneous today...
So, I got us all ready, threw some crap in a bag and said "Let's GO!"
First place we went was Chick-Fil-A. All was well there. They ate. They played. I sat and enjoyed no one needing me for fifteen whole minutes. It was really nice.
Next we went to Big Lots, since it was just across the road. Big Lots went pretty good too, but the baby did give the cue that she'd had enough shopping.
Stupid me. I did not heed her warning.
Instead, I buttered them up for my next big idea.
I stocked the big kids up on dollar goodies, the baby on snacks, and let them look at every clearance summer toy the store had, even bought a few... and we left!
Everyone's happy...they have their little bag of goodies and all is superb. Addie is obviously sleepy, but seems far from melt-down sleepy.
So I proceed with my plan.....
Once we're in the truck, I tell the kids that I need them to be really good at our next stop because mommy needs to get a few things for herself.
We only have one more stop--Wal Mart.
The most dreaded stop of all errand running.
I HATE WAL MART. WHY AM I EVEN ATTEMPTING THIS?
My brain was already screaming at me to Run! Run Home!
But I refused. I reasoned.
My ass is bulging out of my too small shorts that aren't even really shorts, they're jeans that I cut off for shorts two summers ago... I flippin deserve some Wal Mart clearance rack shorts. I will have some.
I knew that I needed to try them on. That's where the big problem was. I knew I was breaking an unspoken, unwritten mommy law. You do not take one kid to try on clothes for yourself. Let. alone. four.
Stupid me.
I talk to the kids a little more on our way, explaining that I need to look at the clothes and maybe try a few on, and that since mommy was nice and patient while they enjoyed browsing, they need to be patient and nice and mannerly while mommy checks out some clothes.
They seem to get it.
They're momentarily satisfied with their new treasures. They all nod happily at me...all except the goo girl. She was already giving me that look thru the rear view.
That toddler look...you know it. That I ain't cooperating with nothing you got goin' mom look.
Again, I do not heed her warning....stupid me.
We proceed to Wal Mart.
We get in the store about 1pm.
I head straight for the clothes section and the girls busy themselves finding me outfits while Chase is holding up a shirt and asking "Can you wear a 60/80 Mom? This looks like it will fit." The bean does her best to shimmy out of the buggy seat belt about fifteen times, all while being adorable and yelling "Hiiii!!!" at anyone who was in the near vicinity of us.
Chase moved on from trying to guess my shirt size to singing a made up tune about "Rocks and Glory, Rocks and Glory...that's all it's about...just rocks and glory." He sings it a lot lately.... Oh how I love that kid.
After about fifteen to twenty minutes of browsing, and keeping a continuous flow of goldfish crackers going into Addie's mouth, I had found several things I wanted to try on...thirteen to be exact.
We made our way to the fitting room.
They were all full. Duh...everyone is back to school shopping...why didn't you think of that?
Stupid me.
Of course I'd pick today to try on clothes, with my four kids in tow. I almost backed out at this point, but instead, we stood there and waited about ten minutes while I silently prayed in my head that whoever was in the handicapped fitting room would come out first, so that I wouldn't have to be crammed in a tiny one, half-naked, with my four children.
The tiniest of all the dressing rooms became available. In we go! All five us. In a three by three space. Yeah.
What the hell was I thinking? I mean, seriously?! What was going through my head at that moment when I looked at the little dressing room and thought I can make this work! I got this! I NEED these shorts.
I could have came back later, without kids. I could have left them at home with their dad that very evening and went to a place better than Wal Mart and enjoyed picking out some new things for myself.
But I didn't do that.
Stupid me.
We squeeze in. The bean immediately notices her escape route under the door. I pray some more.
Chase makes faces in the mirror...the girls argue over what I should try on first, and I just pray.
As I'm shimmying into a pair of white shorts with a super cute belt that are on clearance for $7, I mention to the girls that Addie has already seen the spot that she can escape from under the door...but that surely, with all of us crammed in this little space, we can all help watch and make sure that she doesn't make a run for it.
They don't really listen, they're too busy arguing over who picked out the shorts.
The shorts fit...they look good. Kylie says she thinks Daddy will like them. This must be because these actually fit me and my butt and look quite flattering rather than the seam giving me a back and front wedgie.
VICTORY....or shall I say calm before the storm?
I slip the shorts off and ask the girls what's next...Li Li hands me a dress.
By now, Addie was sitting on the floor, digging everything out of my purse. It's all good! It buys me time.
Time to try on the dress.
I'm pulling this awesome blue paisley dress over my head....that's marked down from 18 bucks to $5. I'm thinking about this awesome discount fact....so happy about it.
I'm hoping it fits and looks as good on me as it did on the hanger....and then I snap back to reality and realize the dressing room door is open, and Kylie is out the door, saying "Addie escaped! She escaped!"
The little fitting room lady is announcing like it's a baseball game "Oh no! She's on the loose! She's fast! She's around the rack! Oh look at her go! She's giving you a run for your money!"
Chase is still making his faces...oblivious to anything going on around him...I realize that not only is my baby on the loose, but my ass has been exposed for approximately 15 seconds to the people waiting for a dressing room, while I was having a nice thought about the dress that I still haven't managed to get over my head.....And my 11 and 8 year old daughters are chasing their 22 month old sister around the racks of clothes like it's a game of duck duck goose.
Welcome to the Circus, y'all! This is just how we roll!
The girls got Addie back after she made a few rounds... I put my clothes back on, gave the clothes to the little old lady announcer, got sugar, diapers, and some trash bags, the flippin' shorts that I tried on, and left the hell that is Wal Mart with my dignity in tact.
What was I supposed to do anyways...it was my own fault...I knew better than to break the rule.
Stupid me.
I wish I could just end this here. But I can't. Because there's more stupid me to come....
We headed home. Finally. The day hadn't really worked out how I'd planned...but that's okay. No biggie. Time to go home...HOME. Why did I even want to leave? We were all ready to go home. The kids were happy with their dollar toys, I got some shorts...so whoopee.
I opted to take a back road since there's road work all along the interstate.
Apparently, everyone else had the same bright idea that I did, and they were in no hurry to get anywhere. Sunday driving....on a Wednesday afternoon...seriously people....must you be SO SLOW.
I was forced to stay in this caravan for like 10 miles,
then finally the very last slow-mo pulled off, clearing the road for me.
I cranked it on up to 48... Heck Yes! 48! Cause I wanted to get home SO BAD, that it was worth me taking the risk of driving a whole 48 mph to get there quicker.
Stupid me.... that wasn't the speed limit.
No...no it wasn't. Just like it's an unspoken mom rule that you never take your kids clothes shopping for yourself. I knew better than that shit.
I broke the rules....and I got super embarrassed and kinda-sorta exposed naked in Wal Mart to a handful of people....and now,
now....
.
I was getting pulled over. For the forth time in my life...
I don't wanna get pulled over. I have my seat belt on...they have theirs on..they're in their seats, what the crap... what was the speed limit?!! Shit Shit Shit!!!!! I don't know i don't know...what was the speed limit!? Is this dude gonna be a jerk...oh I hope he's not a jerk....is my inspection sticker still good...SHIT. i think it is. I know it is. :( My day is going to total crap! Why did you go to Wal Mart Laurel....WHY? This cop wouldn't have been on this road if you'd have just came home earlier. UGHHH SHIT. STUPID ME.
The officer comes to my window. He glances in. He looks amused. He observes the kids. Observes all the crap....the grocery bags, sippie cups, left-over lunch bags...and then he looks at me.
And he gets super serious. He was JUST smiling. It seemed like maybe he saw the evidence and got it...he had kids..it wasn't like I was going super fast or anything. Surely it would all be fine.
But no. Stupid me.
Guess I was mistakin'
He isn't all warm and friendly...or the understanding type. He tells me he pulled me over because I was speeding...48 in a 30 zone. Where it had just slowed to 30 ya know.
Stupid me. I should be more observant.
He asks for my license which I hand him. Then my insurance which I'm already digging for. I explain it's my husband's truck and I'm not sure where he keeps it.
He says he will be back.
My head is starting to hurt... I feel all scatterbrained and hot.
Stupid me for thinking Nick keeps up with his f&%*$%! insurance card!!!
I'm starting to get all nervous. My hands are kinda shaky. I think that surely he can look it up. Surely in this day and time he can look it up. I keep digging...Kylie is asking a million questions. Li Li wants to know if I'm gonna go to jail if I don't find the thingy. Chase and Addie are fast asleep and drooling all over each other.
I'm defeated now! Being exposed naked in Wal Mart while my toddler rips and giggles thru the clothes racks and my two other daughters have to catch her to keep everyone from REALLY seeing what mom looks like naked did not defeat me.
But now, Deputy Power Trip, he's defeating me. With his icy demeanor and hot and cold attitude...It's the icing on the cake. Mom is goin down. Tears are threatening to fall....
Then, he's back at my window. So I suck it up.
He has a little clip board and has filled out a lot on the white piece of paper. He asks if I found my insurance information and I say no. He says nothing, just continues writing on his little pad. Finally, he tells me he needs my signature...he is writing me a citation for speeding.
He smiled at me then. Like he liked us again. He turned .and said "Have a great afternoon Mrs. Israel, and please slow it down." Then he tipped his hat and walked back to his car.
I broke the rules and thought I could get away with it.
Stupid me.
Not today, sweetheart...not today.
One for the Universe.
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